Florentino - Not Your Average Hero

So, I forgot to mention another element of the novel that I loved ((right? I'm finding more good things to say about it!)), and that is this: Florentino Ariza is not your average hero; he's the antihero.

Predominantly, the male hero is absurdly attractive and absurdly confident. If he is not absurdly rich by birth, then he became absurdly rich due to his absurd talent. He never loses composure. All the ladies want him. In short, he's quite a catch.

Floretino definitely falls short in most - if not all - of the above characteristics.

He's not attractive ((hence the reason not even his awesome love letter writing skills could keep his obsession)). He wears thick glasses for his myopia. He dresses like an old man; he dresses like an older man when he is an old man. He loses his hair at a youngish age and resorts to the high school prinicpal-meets-Don Trump combover. But the best of all is the fact that he suffers from severe IBS. I freakin' love it. Twice Fermina had his guts twisted up with nerves that he almost soiled himself in front of her. That's spectacular.

Yet, despite all of that - all the ladies still wanted him.

I don't get it. The explanation was that he was a man in need of love. So, I guess all those poor, misguided women wanted to be the ones to love him, to fix him.

Good fail, ladies.

Love in the Time of *Snore*

Right, so reading this book took longer than I had originally anticipated. The last fifty pages were especially difficult to get through, simply because it was boring and I knew I was almost done. Knowing that I was fifty pages away from Pride and Prejudice and Zombies just made it harder to muddle through it.

But I did it. Thank you, God.

People try to categorize this book as a love story. Maybe I'm as deep as a mud puddle because I would have to whole heartedly disagree. I had some serious problems with the characters. For one, I found Fermina a snobbish, annoying bitch. She "fell in love" with Florentino because he knows how to write a love letter. When she catches her first look at him -- up close, not just a glimpse -- he's suddenly not good enough for her. Although, I would be a little turned off too if his eyes were alight with petrified love - or something like that. I don't think the word petrified should not be a modifier for love, thanks.

As for Florentino, he's just nuts. Seriously. Coo-COO for Co-Co Puffs. He wasn't so much in love with her as he was obsessed with her. And don't give me that crap about having 622 affairs in order to slake his lust - but his heart remained Fermina's. Bull. Shit. In truth, he fell in love with several women after Fermina -- and two of them died because of him.

In my opinion, the only victim in this novel (and that's a loosely used term) is Juvenal. One, because he has a name like Juvenal. Two, he married Fermina in hopes of falling in love with her. He obviously invested more into the relationship than she did. He did have asshole tendancies, though (ie: his single affair in fifty years of marriage), but some things can be excused since he married a twit like Fermina (not the affair, though, that's inexcusable).

Ok, ok, so maybe Leona is victim-esque in the novel, as well. She was one of the many women in love with Florentino, but the only one who he didn't get to sleep with - and not because he didn't try. She refused his ass for reasons that I'm not certain about, but whatever, because I'm proud of her.

By the way, I'm pretty sure Florentino was a pedophile. If you use the phrase "dickey-bird" whilst trying to seduce a 14-year-old (and you're 80), then I'd say you need some serious counselling. I guess that didn't really have that back then.

The ending was really good, though. I did appreciate it because it was an allusion to something Fermina had said a little earlier in the novel. Disregarding my dislike for the characters, the style it was written in, and the epic run-ons, this novel had some really amazing pieces of awesome that I bracketed in pen throughout. Mostly it's just the way Marquez described something, an analogy he used, or just something I read that made me think: I wish I could write like that.

At any rate, I really am glad I read it despite all the bad things I said about it. I don't think, however, I'll be reading anything else by Mr. Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Love in the Time of Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies

So, Love in the Time of Cholera ... definitely not my favorite. It's not horrible, but it doesn't make me want to curl up in bed and just read for hours either. Again, it has a lot to do with the fact that I just can't get into the style of it. Marquez doesn't number his chapters, and that just annoys the hell out of me, lol. I know that's totally weird, but I like to know my progress, thanks. And every "chapter" is a-little-more-a-little-less 50 pages. I don't know why but that annoys me, too.

Oh, and he's forever using the characters first and last names: Floretino Ariza, Fermina Daza, Dr. Juvenal Urbino, over and over and over again. Why can't you just say: So, then Florentino said, "I eat orchid petals because I want to know what your scent tastes like." Fermina replies, aghast, "you're crazy!" Dr. Urbino nods gravely: "As a doctor, I am qualified in such matters. You're a loon, son."

Whatever, though. It's gonna take me a little longer to read this book ((it's only 350 pages)), I'm thinking probably another week, but I'm determined. It's really not all that bad. Sometimes I do get really into it; he is a captivating writer, but sometimes it's the little things that bother me.

Character wise, Florentino is totally a nut job. I mean, if you eat flower petals and chug perfume just to know what a chick tastes like...that's weird, dude. And Fermina is a snob ((her rejection of Florentino does make me feel sorry for the chump, but he's still nuts)). The only character I enjoying - thus far - is Urbino. He has captured most of my sympathy, and he seems...the most sane.

Anyway, so, today is Mother's Day. While I was out picking up gifts, and flowers, and cake for Mama Bear, I picked up I'll Sceam Later by Marlee Matlin ((totally stoked)) while at Target. Then my sister and I meandered over to Borders, and I found the book I have to read next. No doubt about it, once I've finished Love in the Time of Cholera, then I must read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It's exactly as the title states: it is Pride and Prejudice with a few zombies thrown in.

I'm pretty sure it's going to kick ass. I read the author bios on the back, and I about snorted ((okay, I did snort, a lot)):

JANE AUSTEN is the author of Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, Mansfield Park, and other masterpieces of English literature. SETH GRAHAME-SMITH once took a class in English literature.

So stoked. I'm not crazy obsessed with zombies or ninjas ((yeah, ninjas are in this book, too)) or anything, but c'mon. You have to admit that this is going to rock. I do love the Resident Evil Trilogy, but I don't own the Zombies Survival Guide or whatever ((my brother does)).

I'm sure I'll write extensively on this book's sheer awesomenss.

Good Day.

*sad face*

The Time Traveler's Wife is finished. It was pretty much devestating. I loved it.

Still not ready for the classics yet. Alex recommended Love in the Time of Cholera.

Okay.